Cats
by Beatlemaniac45
Summary: Can't find a decent summary. Implied Janto and Towen. Technically a crossover with doctor who but no-one reads crossovers. Rated for language


**Hope the paragraphs set this up to be better than the others? It's possibly the worst I've written yet cause I paid more attention to the paparagraphing (is that a word? If not it should be :-D) than anything else. Hope the paragraphing helps?**

 **Disclaimer: I own nada...**

"Harkness! Get your lazy arse over here! What the fuck is your stupid flea-ridden adorable ginger pussy cat doing on my control panel? Come and move it cause there's cat hair all over..." I yawned again, still ignoring the doctor's ranting. "Ianto, could you-" he sighed irratabley, "aye sir," he mutttered, rolling his eyes at me in that incredibley sexy way of his.

I reluctantly followed him, sneaking up on him silently. When we reached the control room, the Doctor jumped back in a hilarious attempt to conceal the fact that he was clearly rubbing noses with our sweet kitten, and carefully stroking his back.

I burst out laughing, "see your getting up close and personal with him now doc!" I noted Ianto trying to conceal an adorable grin too. "Ianto, brush now!" The doctor commanded, to Ianto's grumbling: "but sir, why is every imperitive you use aimed at me?" The doc rolled his eyes as he replied, "because your boyfriend is too lazy to do anything..." "fine I'll get the brush but you," he said jabbing a finger in my direction, "are going to have to make it upto me later!" He purred with those sexy Welsh vowels. The doc merely rolled his eyes in our direction as I pulled him into a passionate kiss.

He returned a few minutes later, clutching a brush in his fist. The doctor immediately picked up the brush and began brushing the cat's soft fur with the dustpan, before letting out an animalistic hiss of pain as the cute little fluffball swiftly shredded his arm... "*[%®[\\[|[^«\»}]»~][*|%*||%%¢||©®¡*%%," cursed the Doctor in Gallifreyen (is that how you spell it?) .

I desperately wanted to know what he said, but the tardis doesn't translate what she considers to be bad language...

Anyway, more to the point, I pretty much figuered we needed a doctor, so I phoned Owen and tracked his number with the tardis. When we arrived, we covered our eyes and made for another room. A few minutes later, Owen and Tosh followed us out, glaring daggers into my back. "See you still have a knack for turning up at the worst moments, Captain..." He groaned; I think he said more but I shut him out after this, simply muttering that he was no better with a grin.

I abruptly dragged the Doctor out of the tardis: we didn't have time to go through the whole 'bigger on the inside' ordeal if the Doctor wanted to not die of blood loss through the actions of a kitten. "Holy shit, what the fuck happened here?!" Owen exclaimed worriedly. "He was attacked by a kitten," I smirked. He rolled his eyes and made it clear he didn't want to know the rest if I were involved...

It took nearly three hours for Owen to stitch his arm up.

A few hours after that the Doctor was sat sulking. "Jack, I am NOT sulking!" Came the feminine voice from the other side of the room. I burst out laughing with mirth. "It isn't funny!" "It is!" The doctor came across the room with a single fist raised at me: the other was crossed on his chest in a frankly lousy attempt to conceal his breasts.

All this was the cat (Augustus's) fault. We had been exploring some planet (possibly called tatooine), when we had got trapped in a room somewhere. Augustus was marking the room with his scent, when he'd flicked a switch by mistake. This caused the release of a pinky-blue (purple) gas. With the ease, grace, skill and quick reflexes of a torchwood member, I spotted a window and jumped out of it, Ianto and Augustus (who was doomed spooked with the appearance of it) close behind me. The doctor wasn't so lucky.

Round the other side of the building was the door (which was locked from our side). I unbolted it with uncharacteristically clumsy fingers to let him out. Or should I say her? Something (presumably the gas) had resulted in what was in the other side.

What _was_ on the other side was a thin, bony women. Very curvy with a large chest, and wearing a men's leather jacket, men's green jumper, men's black shoes and men's black trousers. She looked hilarious. "Who are you?" I chuckled, "when I get my hands on that cat..." growled the Doctor in a ridiculously high voice. I don't know how I put up with him all the way to the tardis...

That's why I am sat in the control room laughing my arse off with Yan as we snapped pictures and sending them to his boyfriend (the master), his companions and anyone else who ever respected him. He's never going to live it down, even after the effects of the gas wear off... all because of the brilliance of one cat.

 **Please review. Constructive criticism welcomed and, as the sixth doctor said, a little gratitude wouldn't irretrievably damage my ego. All reviews replied to.**


End file.
